


A Shift in Focus

by summerskin22



Category: Mai-HiME
Genre: F/F, Futanari
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-26 00:26:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1668005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerskin22/pseuds/summerskin22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their story told through different perspectives in retrograde. Can a retelling bring their old love back? ShizNat. Intense lemon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> told through different POVs. sorry i don't make sense :( there's smex and lesbians ok, just go if you don't like that stuff.

I remember that day we were just lying in my bed after we had sex. You were staring at the ceiling as you were splayed naked on my black sheets. You had a glazed look on you, a gentle smile playing on your lips as you mouthed the lyrics to Jhene Aiko humming from the speakers. You absolutely detested contemporary American r&b but this became an exception when you knew she was part Japanese. You also hated druggies, even the ones who only stuck to weed but you wanted me anyway. And you were super high on my last bowl right at that moment. I chuckled at the sight of you…you and your beautiful contradictions.

You lift an eyebrow at me. "What are you laughing at?"

You sounded petulant but I just smiled wide and said,

"You look lovely. I love you like this babe, when you let go of everything."

You purred contentedly in the crook of my neck, putting your arms around me.

"It's what you do to me. You set me free."

I pressed my lips on your forehead before saying, "You know you can always count on me if you need an escape. But right now—"

I paused as I reached over to the bedside table for my favorite thing in the world, second to the girl in my arms.

Click. Click. Click.

"—you need to be still. Or better yet, just be natural," I grinned behind the viewfinder as I adjusted the aperture to the light spilling into my room. I knew I should have changed the sheets to white. I wanted that dramatic contrast of your hair upon white cloth, but my black sheets would have to do.

You tut in protest and put a hand over the camera. "No baby, I'm naked. My father would flip—"

"Who said anyone else could see these? They'll be part of my private collection. Ballerina in the nude. Girl at 4 in the afternoon. Desire in the flesh," I rambled as I stood up from the bed, clicking away. "Shizuru, post-coitus."

You threw a pillow at me for the last remark but I could see you were suppressing a grin. At that moment I knew you were intrigued at my impromptu request for you to model for me. Though we often naturally fell into those little sessions wherever we went, this was the first time I had you naked before my camera.

You put your hand up, signaling for me to pause as you sit up in the bed. I didn't need to be told. You didn't bother pulling the sheet up with you and the sight of plump and pink flesh was enough for me to put the camera down.

You put my pipe to your lips and lit up the remnants of the bowl. You close your eyes as you inhaled and I simply stared, mentally kicking myself. I was falling for you that day. I had indirectly confessed to you just earlier. You didn't seem to have noticed it and thank God for that. I'd only known you for two weeks but it already feels like months. Two full weeks of awesome dates and amazing sex. Two weeks with a goddess.

When you were done you raised your chin up at me, a challenging gesture. All I saw was a delicious woman on my bed.

"Confident, huh." I grinned giddily and snapped a shot.

"I will pretend that Natsuki is not here," you said as you ran a hand through your light brown hair. It was a natural gesture all right but I knew you were doing it for the camera. You looked damned good doing it too.

Thereafter you didn't talk. Didn't look at me. I was not there to you at that moment. You owned the room like it was yours to begin with. You pushed the sheet aside and knelt on the bed, your back slightly angled towards me as your fingers reached over to the iPod dock.

I bit my bottom lip as a new song played. It was perfect.

"My pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola. My eyes are wide like cherry pies…"

I fought to tear my gaze away from the curve of your ass and the dip of your slim waist as you knelt on my bed. I fought harder against the urge to put the camera as well as my pants down and join you.

If you sensed my internal crisis you didn't show it. You just got off the bed and walked past me towards the closet. You strode right in the walk-in, ran your fingertips on the shoulders of my shirts, the lapels of my coats and jackets. At the end of the small room was the floor to ceiling mirror and I watched your reflection pressing a white button up to your chest and angling your head to see if you would look good in it. Hell, you'd look good in a sack cloth. You threw away the hanger and put the shirt on but left it unbuttoned. The hem of the shirt stopped right where your butt and legs connected. As you moved, I positioned myself so that I'd capture you posing in the mirror without my own reflection in it.

You stepped out of the closet with my shirt on. After fishing out your panties from the bed and deliberately bending over to wear them (you chuckled as you heard my camera clicking furiously at this), you sat on the rug near the glass doors that led out to the deck. They threw natural light upon your form; legs extended in front of you bent slightly, pressing your knees together and placing your cheek on them, hands resting on your legs, folding like the petals of a flower after dark. Finally, you looked up at me with those eyes. The crimson irises burned with intensity through the camera. I wanted to take you right there and then but I hadn't wanted to waste that light, that depth and confidence I got from you that day. Besides, we both knew it would be more fun if we held it off just a bit longer.

I was more than satisfied with the shots of you on the rug, so I beckoned you to stand up. I went ahead out to the deck as you remained inside. You knew what I wanted to do. We connected perfectly. Words were superfluous.

The sun's last rays painted everything in orange and I saw that it threw an interesting pattern of silhouettes on the glass. You stood before the glass with your back towards me. This is where I felt myself go hard for you. You let the shirt slide past your shoulders in a sensual display of hair falling on bare shoulders, and you threw me a scorching look through those lashes. Click. The shirt fell completely off your body and fell to the floor, and you parted her lips, raised your arms and moved your hands in a dance-like flow above your head. I was hypnotized and so very aroused. Click. Click. Click.

I slid the door aside and shut it behind me before I pulled you to me. I gently dropped my camera to a corner and immediately my hands slipped to your breasts. I pressed eagerly into your back. You hum as my hands gave a light squeeze.

"You got what you wanted, love?" You ask in a breathy moan. You knew I was more than pleased with what you gave me.

There was a rumble in my chest as I could say nothing in response. I was overwhelmed. I don't think I ever wanted anyone so much in my entire life. The heat gathered in my belly as I grinded my hips against your bottom, earning myself another moan. I ran my lips along your neck until I reached your ear where you were particularly sensitive. Goosebumps grew on the heated flesh beneath my wandering hands and I turned you around to face me so I could latch on to your erect nipples.

"You were amazing, god you were perfect," I murmured between swirls of my tongue.

You held my head to your chest as your jaw dropped in pleasure. You were the one speechless this time. Your nails scraped down my back as I rose up to meet your lips and we kissed insatiable with hunger. I was ready to do anything you asked me to, I realized as I let myself feel your softness all over me. I knew I was a goner the moment you slightly pulled away and bore your eyes into my own with such intensity and adoration that my knees almost buckled.

"I need to be inside you, Shizuru," I nuzzled my face in your hair and slid my hands from your waist down to your ass. I cupped you there roughly and the movement pulled you up against my body. You gasped at the growing bulge in my jeans.

"Bed, now."

"Yes ma'am," I said obediently and let myself be thrown on my back.

That was one of the best days of my life. No one had ever made me feel so alive like you did. I never felt so natural in my own skin with anyone. My walls came crumbling down one by one that day you cried my name out until it was dark and it was time for you to go home. You decided to stay and didn't go back to your own place for a week. Your eyes twinkled with mirth as you playfully wondered how you'd get around without extra clothes, so you raided my closet again and mixed and matched to your liking. My shirts were loose on you but you made it work as always looking like style pro whenever we went out that week. That week, too, I lost you.

And I don't know what to do to get you back. I'm lost too.

I can't even wear my old shirts anymore.

\------

I wasn't exactly avoiding anyone. I was simply at a point in time of my life where I was in need of solitude. Lots and lots of it.

So when I was all but dragged into the club by my friends after over four months of being off the social grid, I was more than nervous. I was terrified. Yes I was happy we did brilliantly tonight at the show and of course I wanted to celebrate with my girls, but I was thinking more of a wine and dine kind of night, maybe a table at the Burgundy Room with a few gentleman acquaintances and friendly conversation. Suffice it to state my suggestion was promptly brushed aside when Rosa, the Spanish floozy, declared that drinks were on her and that it was high time that I reclaimed my status as queen bee at the club. I rolled my eyes at the title feeling like I was back in high school. Dratted Rosa.

Mai, unfortunately, wasn't on my side that night. She'd usually protect me and shoo the other girls away after rehearsals when they wanted to relax (or meet guys) at the bar. She knew I was going through a rough patch that required either nights of sake drunk ramblings between best friends only or hours at the studio breaking my back practicing to obsessive perfection. Tonight she only tugged at my arm…as if the other girls weren't already pulling at my other limbs.

"You need to get out more Shizuru. Meet new people!"

"You mean have sex with other people," I deadpanned. The girls giggled and high-fived each other.

"That's exactly what she means," said Rosa.

"I'm not surprised you'd say that. No, I'm just afraid I might bump into someone you've already screwed Ros."

Rosa didn't even bristle. "Shut up. I know what you're really afraid of. A certain Natsuki-chan?"

The girls groaned.

"Damn it," I snapped. "I can't do this. I'm leaving-."

Jenny intervened, "Oh come on, don't even mention that shit Ros. Hey Shizuru, I have a really cute guy friend who's positively in love with you." she put her arm around my shoulders and led me away.

I was in a stalemate between the deep loneliness I felt from being alone for too long and numbing fear of forming new relationships again. The girls, with their excited chatter about our performance and high energy tonight, only wanted to help me. They all knew what happened to me. And while we might have clawed at and clashed with each other sometimes they were really the most loyal friends a girl could have. They didn't want to leave for the club without me to celebrate. Not when I've been looking terribly out of shape since Natsuki and I were over.

So I went. I let my hair fall from the bun I'd put it in. I unwrapped my feet which ached from the performance. I threw aside my tights and put on a dress, black and backless and wrapped tight around my body. I lipsticked my pale lips, masked the dark circles under my eyes, cried a little in front of the mirror-so many thoughts were plaguing my mind that moment. Thoughts of maybes and why nots and who cares. Maybe Natsuki was in the audience tonight and I just didn't see her-Jenny was introducing me to this guy, why not give it a shot?—and who cares if I felt like a broken record half the time, I was impeccable on stage. It took me an hour to calm myself down before letting the girls pick me up.

My hands shook at the entrance of the club. The kind of jitters I should feel behind the curtains before a performance but never do since I knew every dance by heart. This impending dance though, it was different this time. I could connect with my audience flawlessly on stage. Here it was all wild and free and uncoordinated, the one I loved even more than the ballet. Rosa had been right on one point. I loved going to the club, or at least, I used to.

"Let's do this!" I finally said, already cursing myself. The girls cheered and we went straight to the bar.

If I couldn't manage a successful re-acquaintance with the dance floor tonight, I'll make sure Rosa makes good on her promise to keep the drinks flowing. I don't intend to get completely intoxicated only buzzed enough to really start having fun with the girls.

"You okay?" Mai asked when she handed me a drink.

"Yes," I breathed out. "I just have a bad feeling about coming to this particular place."

"Yeah I was worried about that too. But so what if Natsuki is here? She'd respect your space. She still cares about you a lot."

"Stop talking," I took a big gulp of vodka cran. "You're making it worse."

"Sorry, honey. It's just, you have to face the music soon," Mai said firmly. Gone were her gentle and palliative words that time my break-up was still a fresh wound on my heart. Back then I must have been a pain to deal with. I had odd whims that bordered on self-destructive, made regrettable phone calls, orchestrated obsessive attempts at creating an entire production by myself, often burning out exhausted and bursting into tears at random moments, and she was all there to see me through it. She was right as always. Mai, bright and bubbly and a force on the stage, was a practical talker and I was the whimsical drama queen.

"Oh look here comes Jenny," Mai muttered, setting her glass down and adjusting her dress before waving, "Good luck!"

"Mai, wait-" But the carrot-top was gone before I could have the chance to hide behind her protectiveness. I was all alone tonight.

I can do this. I've done this a million times. Where were my masks when I needed them?

I turned around and saw Jenny coming towards me with a grungy dressed guy in tow.

"Hey, Shizuru. This is my friend Cole, he's a senior at Garderobe. Cole, meet my gorgeous friend Shizuru. He's seen us perform a couple of times with my family, Shiz. He's like, enchanted with you."

Cole laughed with embarrassment. "Jenny! You could have left that out!" Jenny just shrugged with a giggle.

I demurred playfully with a look. "It's nice to meet you, Cole."

"And I'm glad to finally meet you, Shizuru," Cole intoned genuinely like he had been really looking forward to it. He took my hand and kissed it like a courtier before his queen. He was surprisingly smooth even with his rolled up plaid sleeves and ripped jeans. The brush of his stubble lingered on the skin of my hand. I was flattered but maybe prolonged absence of romantic interaction was to blame.

"How is Garderobe? You're graduating?" I asked politely. Jenny surreptitiously made her exit by pretending to order drinks. Damn her.

Cole smiled, fortunately enamored enough with me to even suspect my discomfort

"Yeah, the ceremony is next month and classes are over so we have half of Garderobe here probably."

My heart fluttered but it was not because of Cole's toothpaste smile. Half of Garderobe was here? Well of course, it was practically next to the university belt. It was a fact that needn't have been pointed out because it was the reason for my apprehension at coming here in the first place.

"Yes, mostly seniors like me but even the freshmen love this place."

I didn't realize I'd asked the question out loud. "Oh, I definitely see a lot of artsy types here tonight," I offered.

"Well, I admit we do have a certain stereotype," Cole sheepishly tugged at the dime-sized plugs on his earlobes.

"Do you-"

Before Cole could finish I pulled him to the dance floor. The truth was I didn't want to know all about him. I didn't want to find out what he majored in. I could not care less about what his passions were or what his dreams were after Garderobe. I wish I didn't know he was from that school even. I only wanted him to be a body tonight for me to dance with, another mass of warmth I could hold as I bumped and brushed against him to the pulse of the music that hammered through our heads in the hypnotic club scene.

Throughout our dance I was hoping to God that whoever was watching me that night wouldn't come ruin it for me. I felt like I was being observed but I also felt like I was just being paranoid. This was my first time in months to be back in the scene. I'd even stopped updating my Instagram account knowing I'd only be posting the most depressing updates (and also to avoid the memories there as well). I laughed at myself for being doing the most pointless things. I danced with Cole, thanking the deafening level of music that stopped him from talking. Stop fussing about the tiniest details, Shizuru. Just let it flow. Just let it flow. That was the phrase I used to check myself. They were Natsuki's words. But even though we were over, their significance never changed. Neither have my feelings.

Cole tried to touch me all night but I made sure to maneuver his hands away in the most diplomatic manner. His hands on my bare back only made me shiver in displeasure as if something slimy had touched me.

I went to one of the tables where Jenny, Ros, Mai, and the others greeted me with hoots and cheers. Cole followed closely behind.

"Having fun, Shizuru? You and Cole rocked it out there," Jenny said, immediately sensing another one of my ragged social patterns as I stopped acknowledging the handsome guy behind me. Up close and touchy first, distant and unconcerned the next.

I beamed. "Definitely. I had such a great dance partner," I said and that was enough to calm Jenny's worried expression.

"Oh, well, why don't you-"

I didn't wait for Jenny to finish the sentence.

"I'd love to have a drink. Ros, where's my drink?"

Rosa cackled, "Queen bee, back in town!"

Jenny huffed but didn't make an issue out of it. It was Rosa who tried to stir things up when we were served more alcohol.

"All right, here we go. Shizuru this is yours. Have one too, Cole. And hey, why don't you sit right next to me stud?"

Cole didn't hesitate one bit. I was sitting next to Rosa and now I was sitting next to Cole. I tried not to flinch.

"Yeah, you guys should totally date," Rosa was teasing me now knowing full well I wasn't into it.

"Aw come on you guys, get a bit closer, have a conversation, make each other laugh, it's a party for godssake."

I slipped into a façade of surprise at her remark. "Why of course I intend to do just that, Rosa. It's just that Cole really tired me out. Let's just relax for a bit. What do you think?" I turned to Cole with a wink and a hand on his forearm.

He blushed but tried to play it cool. "Why, y-yes you're right, Shizuru. I do feel like resting for a bit…"

"See?" I beamed at Rosa who grinned back with a roll of her eyes.

"Whatever, Shizuru. You manipulator."

I brushed her off with a giggle. "I don't know what you mean. I need to go to the ladies' room. Mai, do you want to come with me?"

Mai was just at a corner texting on her phone, not really a hundred percent into the scene since she had a boyfriend who would be more than jealous if she danced in the club. Mai nodded and set her drink down, "Sure, let's go."

"If you'll excuse me, Cole, ladies."

I led the way as we walked past the crowd toward the bathrooms. Somewhere in the middle of the mass of bodies I saw a very familiar face walking in the opposite direction. She was keeping a poor job of looking as if she didn't recognize me. Her eyes moved shiftily behind her glasses as she refused to meet mine. Instead of proceeding in her original direction toward me, she changed route and sidled past a group of dancers who were pouring drinks over each other. It might be dark in here but I knew that face anywhere. The crisp white shirt and the short black hair, it was definitely Chie.

"Hey, wasn't that Chie?" Mai asked before we entered the bathroom. Thankfully It wasn't full like I'd expected.

"I'm quite sure it was," I agreed. "It's a little weird, I thought somebody was watching me the whole time I was dancing with Cole. It may have been Chie."

Mai leaned her hip on the counter as I wiped the light sheen of sweat on my brow, the result of all the dancing.

"What's weird is that she didn't say hi. It's like she didn't even recognize you."

"Perhaps she was pretending as if she didn't see me?" I performed a light retouch in front of the mirror before turning to Mai. "I would really rather not know."

Mai had a gleam in her eye. "Let's go find her."

"Did you not hear me, Mai?" I frowned at her. "Who's so whimsical now, hmm?"

"Oh, hush. It's times like these your being whimsical would be helpful, Shizuru. Aren't you just a little bit curious?" Mai insisted with a raise of her brows.

"Yes Mai. Positively dying of it," I sighed. "Can you please not act as if you have no idea why I don't want to find out? I'm certain it's got something to do with Natsuki."

"And that's my point," Mai shrugged. "I know you're still hurt about what happened between you two. But don't you think it's time you two had some closure? I mean come on. It has been four months. I didn't think you'd manage to avoid each other for that long given how you practically acted like you were newlyweds."

I smiled painfully. "Newlyweds that didn't last after the honeymoon."

My eyes welled up out of their own volition and I hated myself immediately. It was Mai's presence that did it. I felt like I didn't need to hide from her. She knew me well enough to know that I didn't welcome hugs when I started crying, so she stayed glued to her spot and threw a sympathetic glance at me while I dabbed at my eyes with a handkerchief.

"For god's sake…" I muttered at my own reflection.

"Like I've told you a thousand times, Shi, it's not your fault," said Mai probably as tired of saying that old line as I was hearing it. "At least not totally," the redhead added further with a jocular nudge at me.

"That's why I don't totally hate you," I countered with wry smile at her frankness. "I was, and still am, selfish. That's why the love of my life hates me."

Mai rolled her eyes. "Stop being so dramatic. She doesn't hate you. She's probably scared of you, you green-eyed monster. Who would have expected you'd get so insecure over her ex? You're like a child who just got ice cream at the park who gets mad at every other kid who gets ice cream."

"Natsuki is not just some public ice cream stand!"

Mai ignored that. "You have your own share of exes and so does Natsuki. That's all I'm saying."

"I'm just a brat, Mai-chan. I can't help it sometimes," I smiled cheekily but inside I was falling apart because of our conversation, wounds long-healed were cut open once more.

When we finally went out of the bathroom and back to our table, Jenny and the others had left it for the dance floor. Cole was nowhere in sight as well. So Mai and I decided to pursue her earlier proposal to look for Chie. Sure enough when we tried searching outside the building, the dark-haired girl was with a group of friends by the entrance looking like they were waiting for their ride. I exchanged a look with Mai when we saw that Chie's phone kept ringing and she kept silencing it.

Despite my refusal to confront her earlier, I found that I was in a favorable enough situation since we were in public and Chie was in the middle of something. I approached first without a moment's hesitation.

"Good evening, Chie," I called out to her as Mai and I neared her spot. As planned the other women hanging off Chie's arms all stared at me and gave me a head to foot inspection.

"Oh! Is that you Shizuru? It's good to see you again." Chie feigned surprise as she debated between shrugging off her girls or running away with them right at that instant. Like a kid getting caught stealing an entire cookie jar.

I smiled a warm smile at her and it was genuine. Chie sensed it and I could see her relief. I almost laughed.

"May I talk to you for a moment? I promise it won't take long," I requested. I addressed the lovely ladies as well, "I promise I'll return her to you girls in one piece."

Chie excused herself with obvious embarrassment. I knew I had gotten her to answer all my questions tonight.

"Hey, you." Mai grinned at Chie as we walked down the block to nowhere in particular. "I saw you alone earlier inside the club. That changed really quickly though when we saw you outside."

"Ah, Mai. Don't even say another word, alright," Chie said while scratching her head, blushing and more at ease with Mai than with me. They had known each other longer because they went to the same high school together. I met Chie when I started seeing Natsuki and that was a little over five months ago. Despite that though I always felt like I could trust Chie with personal matters. It must be because Natsuki trusted her too.

Before I could even start a conversation with her, her phone started ringing. She fished the gadget out of her trouser pocket just enough to take a peek at the caller ID and simply turned off the screen to silence it.

"Sorry about that, Shizuru. What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?" Chie went straight to the matter at hand to draw attention away from the phone, to no avail. It rang a second time.

"Damn." Chie buried a hand in her pocket to press the silence button.

"Maybe you should take that first? It's really quite alright, Chie."

"I'd really rather not, Shizuru. Please excuse me, I'll turn it off so we can really talk."

But as Chie was taking her phone out again, she accidentally pressed the answer key.

"You suck, Chie. Why do you keep ignoring me? Why won't you tell me where you are?"

Mai gasped beside me.

I knew that voice anywhere. That husky lilt sounding on edge with annoyance. My heart stopped. Chie mouthed an apology to me. She cursed under her breath before she pressed the phone to her ear.

"Damn you, Natsuki, You're drunk somewhere and I don't want to pick you up. I'm with a few girlfriends tonight, alright?"

"So? That doesn't mean you can just send all my calls to voicemail. You're lucky I didn't leave any prank ones. Come on, where are you? I'm so fucking lonely in here."

I closed my eyes as I listened to their conversation. My heart beat sped up with each word Natsuki said. God I missed her. I missed her so much. But it hurt hearing her voice again, too. My stupid paranoid brain half expected that she'd tell Chie she was out with a new girlfriend or worse, her ex. I wanted to die on the spot at the thought. I felt a sick kind of satisfaction knowing Natsuki was alone tonight. I felt my cheeks getting flushed with a mixture of fear and excitement. Natsuki, Natsuki… Would you ever take me back? Or have I been such a monster?

"She's alone, Mai," I bit my lip as I clutched at my friend's arm. Hope tinged my own voice and I was surprised to find it there.

"Lonely doesn't really mean she's alone, you know." Mai said frankly. "I don't want you getting your hopes up too high at this point."

Chie clicked her tongue before ending the call. She looked at me straight in the eye full of apology.

"That's why I was avoiding you when I saw you inside the club earlier," she admitted to both me and Mai. "I didn't want to complicate things between the two of you more than they already are, you see,

"I ignored her calls because I didn't want to lie to her where I was. If I told her, she'd only come here. I saw you dancing with that guy, Shizuru and I don't mean to pry on your relationships but I just figured Natsuki wouldn't want to see that. So I tried to bail with those hotties, evade being a witness to anything," she chuckled.

While I truly did admire Chie's efforts at avoiding all sorts of situations that pressured her to lie, I was not blind to the fact that she also knew how to play safe when push came to shove. Omission was only a slightly lesser evil than commission.

Thankfully, Mai was as keen as I was on that fact when she asked, "So where did Natsuki say she was?"

Chie hesitated, looked between the two of us and sighed.

"She's at this gay club. Of all the places that idiot had to go…"

I opened my mouth to speak but promptly changed my mind. A gay club? And she felt lonely? It didn't make sense and I was too busy holding the pieces of my heart together that just broke at those exact words to try and understand what was going on. I admit I had gotten my hopes up higher than they should have been the moment I saw Chie inside the club. In fact every object, person, place or anything that I could connect to her tortured me through daydreams where I would one day see her again and everything would be all right.

The problem was, I already did see her two months ago. No one else knows this, not even Mai. Natsuki even sounded like she did on Chie's phone, telling me she was feeling lonely and I telling her I was drunk. The inevitable happened and we fell into bed together. The sad thing is that that wasn't enough for us to get back together. I was still adrift, a ship without her anchor. I was bound to crash and burn one day.

"Chie," I said in a voice already thick with tears.

"Just tell her I said hello, okay? Thank you. I want to go home now Mai..."

This was exactly why I needed solitude in the first place.

\------

When the street lamp right outside the store lit up that summer day, I glanced at the clock. It was almost closing time and my father would be around at any minute. I tidied up the glass surface of the display case while waiting and took my time. Camera lenses gleamed at me through the glass next to my father's rare vintage camera collection and rows of tripods and other camera accessories. One very old fellow came in earlier and tried to sell a very well-made pinhole but I was unsure if father was interested, so I told him he could come back tomorrow for the cash if father accepted, or for his camera back if father did not.

A moment later the door chimes clinked softly and in came my father and the biggest crush I ever had in my life.

The two were chatting as they shuffled inside my father's old store.

"I'm surprised you had your photos processed by us, Natsuki. Got your hands full with projects, eh?"

"I know, I'm surprised too." A low chuckle. "But it's not really work I'm busy with. I... met someone."

Natsuki said the last part as if it was a secret she couldn't bear holding in.

"Aha! So that's why you have a spring on your step. Where's the sulky photographer I first met now?" My father laughed good-naturedly as he stepped behind the counter beside me.

I was staring at Natsuki the whole time but when father came near I promptly looked away. He knew I had a crush on her and I wasn't about to give him something to tease about. There had been quite a few times when he did that and most of the time he did it in Natsuki's presence. I could feel my palms sweat in nervousness at those awful memories of uncontrollable blushing and sputtering.

My father continued to hold conversation as he went in and out of the back room. When he was inside, Natsuki would take out her phone a couple of times. I found myself staring again as I pretended to be busy behind the counter. I took the opportunity to fish out a thick brown envelope from a stack of processed orders. I parted the envelope to rummage through its contents while my eyes flicked upwards to stare at Natsuki. A moment later her phone beeped. She eagerly texted a reply with a small smile on her lips. My crush looked absolutely adorable at that moment. She had this tough, bad ass look in her black leather jacket and dark jeans with her helmet tucked under her arm, yet she was the cutest thing ever as she was obviously giddy at the text she received. It was that combination of hard and soft that I couldn't resist sighing over like a lovesick schoolgirl.

I was even more at awe when I caught a glimpse of the pictures in the envelope.

There were sexy but artful nudes of a honey-haired woman who looked to be a professional model but at the same time she seemed to be Natsuki's main subject. She wasn't simply modeling clothes (or her own skin) or posing in landscapes but she was the pivotal focus of every shot. There were pictures of her behind a glass door, completely naked with only the reflections on the glass covering some parts of her body. Also there were ones with her wearing a button up shirt, on a bed, on a shag rug, on a stool with an electric guitar propped between her legs. It was such a dynamic series of photos that I was momentarily sucked in.

My father poked his head out from the back room right then. I shut the envelope discreetly. He had such great timing, the teasing dork.

"You have what Natsuki needs, my dear?" He said quite normally but a teasing smile threatened to burst from his lips.

I simply nodded with slight blush.

"Well then, I'll go ahead guys. Aoi here will take care of you," father winked and I rolled my eyes. "Nice to see you again, Natsuki."

"You too, sir."

Again I pretended to be busy preparing Natsuki's pictures while she continued to text and her phone continued to beep. I knew it was wrong of me to pry but I was so curious. I had never seen any of her pictures before since her visits were mostly for buying new equipment and not for processing images. Of course, I also had a major crush on her, so I couldn't help myself. Even if I knew the woman in the photos was probably her girlfriend, I still crushed on Natsuki. It was not like I seriously wanted a relationship with her. I was still even wondering whether I was really gay or if Natsuki was just a passing fancy.

One photo especially made me pause. It was a monochrome. The woman was in black lace lingerie and heels walking down a sunlit hallway. Her back was to the camera so her face couldn't be seen but she was pulling the photographer by the hand, their fingers interlocked behind her. The lines of the picture lead the viewer forward to the end of the hallway where there was the silhouette of a chair and a pair of handcuffs dangling from the backrest.

Of course you couldn't see the photographer in the picture except for an arm, but it was clear that it was Natsuki. The hand interlocked with the model's was tattooed. A peek at Natsuki's texting hand confirmed my hunch.

But when my gaze flicked up from her hand to her eyes, my heart almost stopped to find her staring right at me. I was caught.

"Um, your pictures are right here, Natsuki." I fought hard to control a stutter.

"Did you look at them?" She asked directly but it was not an unkind tone.

Still I bowed and blushed profusely. "I apologize. Yes, I did. They were beautiful and so is your girlfriend. I'm so sorry, please forgive me."

Natsuki only gave me a lopsided grin. "Don't be. I'm glad you liked them. Though I did promise my girl that no one else would see those pictures of her. Can you keep a secret then?"

I nodded without thinking which made my crush chuckle.

"All right then. Thank you for that."

I stared at her in relief and partly dazed by her husky but still feminine voice. I quickly snapped out of it and placed the envelope on top of the glass case.

I dropped my gaze, I was still quite embarrassed.

"Here. And I'm really sorry again. Sumimasen."

"Eh, it's alright really," Natsuki assured me with a smile. There was a muted buzzing sound from the glass top. It was her phone. The big letters of the iPhone revealed the caller. Shizuru. From my bowed head it was practically within my view.

"I need to take this," Natsuki said as she hurried to the door with her envelope. "Good bye, Aoi!"

I waved back and watched her exit the shop with a tender greeting on the phone: "Hey babe. I'm on my way there."

I propped my arm up on the counter and rested my cheek on my hand, heaving a deep, love struck sigh. "She's so handsome..."

"What was that I heard, Aoi dear?"

Darn it, dad!

\-----

 

let me end it for now with a lighter mood than Shizuru's. thanks for reading my crap story. ss22


	2. Chapter 2

The world as we know it is a bunch of signs. Signs are what human beings use to make sense of the world. The numbers on the face of a clock, the letters that are grouped together to form the words on street signs, the gradual turning of leaves to brown from spring green to signify the coming of autumn, the formal chill of a text message without a smiley that tells us the sender is perhaps being sarcastic. Most signs are understood in the context that they appear. Signs are relative. We notice a gradual shift in tone, color, or mood and those in themselves are signs. Things are normal.

What shocks us is suddenness of change.

For Natsuki Kuga, it took a while to overcome the constant surprise she felt at Shizuru Fujino's shifts in mood. What stumped her most was Shizuru's lack of signals. To understand another human being, one usually observes the other's facial expressions in a given situation. But poor Natsuki had no such expressions to aid her when one night, after she and Shizuru had spent the previous hour devouring each other whole in her bed, she told the honey-haired woman that she was seeing a friend later. She was already aware of the fact that Shizuru was to see a ballet and might perhaps have a night out with her friends afterward, and because Natsuki wasn't very inclined to join her (she didn't like crowds or dancing or loud music which were pretty much what a club was all about), they both decided to spend the mean time with each other. Shizuru was free the entire day so Natsuki had skipped tinkering with photos, which was so worth it, until she said,

"I haven't seen her in a while, so yeah, I thought I'd pick her up from her work place," Natsuki explained. It occurred to her that she should have asked if Shizuru would mind, but she wasn't even sure if their relationship was already on such a level where they asked permission from each other. Shizuru certainly never asked her if she was comfortable with thought of her grinding up against a crowd of strangers, which Natsuki, though she never said it out loud, wasn't.

And it seemed she wasn't going to start that habit now (and neither was Natsuki). Shizuru, who a few moments ago had moaned and blabbered and cried out in pleasure quite loudly, turned silent as she picked up her clothes from the floor.

Natsuki waited for a response but none came. She stared at Shizuru's naked back from the bed with growing apprehension.

"Shizuru?"

For her part, Shizuru didn't intentionally create the current tension between them. In fact, as she gathered her clothing, she was at the same time gathering composure. And when she felt she had acquired enough, she faced Natsuki with an unreadable expression. Natsuki looked up at her like a puppy confused at her master whose body language she could not comprehend…

Am I supposed to stay at home while she goes out and play? She wondered.

Shizuru dropped her bra and climbed back on the bed. Whatever fears that began to form at the pit of Natsuki's stomach had dissipated as Shizuru crawled into her lap and kissed her.

Natsuki's hand immediately landed on the other woman's waist to pull her in.

"Can you pick me up later too?" Shizuru said between soft kisses. Her hands began to roam over Natsuki's shoulders and neck and descended to her bare breasts.

It had taken a lot of Shizuru's willpower to say that. She sounded needy, pathetic, she hated herself for it. But she needed to feel that Natsuki was still within her grasp, as if her going away to meet another person would take her from her.

"Mm… yeah," Natsuki kissed back and arched into Shizuru's hands. "Whatever you want, babe."

Unknown to Natsuki who had her eyes closed shut as the other woman's tongue licked the shell of her ear, the slight knot on Shizuru's brow had relaxed at Natsuki's endearment.

"Whatever I want, you say?"

The tone of Shizuru's voice was now inflected with playfulness, contrasting heavily with the flat tone of her earlier question. It was a sudden shift that Natsuki wholeheartedly welcomed. She grinned as Shizuru began to scoot lower on her body, her lips tugging at her nipples before trailing down to her stomach. She lingered on Natsuki's abdomen, gazing up to the dark-haired woman while dropping a kiss on the sensitive flesh there.

Natsuki was aware that Shizuru was taking undue advantage of her statement, no doubt made out of passion and under the ministrations of the dancer's skilful hands, and she would be a fool to resist what Shizuru was about to do to get whatever she wanted.

Shizuru had never given her head. She used her hands, yes, but so far not her mouth. Although the promise of Shizuru's lips wrapped around her cock seemed wonderfully imminent to her now.

So she simply nodded, her turn to become silent, a tendency of hers when arousal began to thrum throughout her body. Her brain had turned to putty under Shizuru's stare…she would probably say yes if Shizuru asked her to come with her tonight, and the girl hadn't even touched her there yet.

"Natsuki has gone mute again, I wonder…" Shizuru said idly as she pushed the sheets aside and cupped Natsuki's bulge through silk boxer shorts. It wasn't fully hard yet, a thing Shizuru would promptly change as she massaged Natsuki's organ. It rested on Natsuki's thigh as she stroked it with her fingers.

Natsuki hummed in pleasure and felt herself growing harder. When Shizuru momentarily released her cock, it twitched upwards and rested against her belly, the head peeking out of her waistband. Shizuru bent her head and pressed her lips against the revealed tip.

"Mmm, get it out," Natsuki whispered when Shizuru continued to stroke her through the fabric. She bit back a moan when a sneaky tongue flicked the pre-cum away.

"Who said you could boss me around?" Shizuru lifted her head and shot her a sassy look. "I get to have what I want."

Natsuki internally groaned. Shizuru was in that kind of mood where she would take complete control over their fucking. While it made her come hard, it also took every bit of Natsuki's self control not flip Shizuru over and have her rough way with the honey-haired tease. She dare not do this or she'd risk Shizuru's ire at being overpowered. Sure she was pretty much winging it when it came to romance but she at least knew one fact of life: give your woman power and you'll always be in control. Or something ironic like that.

Or maybe she just secretly liked being topped by a sexy, control-hungry woman who'd fuck her blind as she sat back to take it all in. The woman on her lap certainly seemed intent on doing just that.

"Then what do you want, gorgeous?" Natsuki said and sunk further into the pillows. She was totally going to get comfortable for this.

"I want," Shizuru pulled the boxers down and Natsuki's cock sprang free at full mast. "You to remember," she trailed her lips down its length as she murmured, "exactly how," and sucked the head, "I'm going to make you come this way."

"As if I could even forget." Natsuki's gasped. She cupped Shizuru's face as her cock twitched on her stomach under Shizuru's continued teasing. She wanted to feel that mouth on her right now.

"If Natsuki has a good imagination, I'm sure she won't," Shizuru said enigmatically, to which Natsuki frowned. Who needed imagination when the sight of this beautiful woman going down on her was the most delicious thing she's ever seen?

A pillow was thrust in her hands.

"What's this?"

"Something to block your view."

"…" Natsuki didn't understand. Shizuru pushed the pillow up to her face completely obscuring Natsuki's sight.

Natsuki gasped at the sensation all over her cock; Shizuru's hand stroking up and down her length while her lips attached to her tip, swirling a tongue around the head and licking it clean.

"If you so much as move the pillow, I'll stop." Shizuru warned with a cheeky squeeze of the base of her shaft. "And if you hold my hair, I'll head off to the club."

Natsuki could only groan as she felt the glide of lips and teeth and tongue over her hard member. Heeding Shizuru's instructions, she fought the urge to slam into Shizuru's throat by gripping the pillow with both hands. She couldn't see a goddamned thing, she could only hear her own breaths against the pillow over her face and the slick sounds of Shizuru's mouth bobbing up and down over her.

"Shizuru… unhhh. Fuck, that feels so good. Suck it a bit…"

The flaxen haired tease had a retort ready at her throat but she decided against scolding Natsuki some more. The low moans she was giving made Shizuru grow wetter by the minute. She removed one hand from Natsuki's cock and traced tight circles around her own arousal, taking care not to rub her clit too much. The power she currently wielded and the delicious cock in her mouth turned her on more than she expected. Just a few strokes she knew she'd come on the spot.

Meanwhile Natsuki couldn't take it anymore. The naughty swirls of Shizuru's tongue on her tip made her buck her hips to sink deeper into Shizuru's mouth. She couldn't help a lengthy moan when she felt the other girl suck in her cheeks while she pumped her throbbing meat.

Suddenly Shizuru stopped, which made Natsuki whimper helplessly. "Baby don't stop."

No response. Natsuki felt her getting off the bed and walking towards her dresser. She panted in anticipation. A few seconds later she felt Shizuru's weight return as well as her hands over her length. After a brief moment her cock became completely encased in Shizuru's mouth, and she gasped in pleasure she felt her entire length sliding into the ballerina's throat.

"Oh my god. Fuck, Shizuru. Unh, take it all in. Yeah just like that."

Shizuru released her with a small cough followed by a giggle.

"You can look now."

The pillow hastily dropped to the side. Natsuki finally saw what Shizuru was up to; a ring of crimson was on her abdomen, just above the...

"Wow." Natsuki breathed heavily. "You went that deep. Fuck. Shizuru..."

"Like it?" Shizuru smirked, obviously pleased at her handiwork.

Natsuki wiped off the remaining traces of the lipstick on her lips with the pad of her thumb. She grinned.

"You are a hell of a woman," she declared happily, still hard and twitching under Shizuru's gaze.

"Mm, I try" Shizuru replied, getting up to place a kiss on Natsuki's lips. Natsuki held her there for a moment and devoured Shizuru's mouth. She was so very grateful and extremely turned on.

"Hmm I'm not washing this off. I wish I saw how you did it though" She whispered, still in awe. She took Shizuru's hand and placed it on her member once more. "Now can I get what I want?"

"Just this once." Shizuru smiled into her mouth and began stroking. "How do you want it?"

"Inside you." Natsuki's eyes darkened at her own request.

Shizuru grimaced a little. "I'm still sore, but okay."

"Aw, I'm sorry. We don't have to, just like this then."

"It's fine." And before Natsuki could stop her, Shizuru's light body was on top of her. Both of them moaned as Natsuki easily slipped inside Shizuru's wet folds. Shizuru started bouncing her hips on Natsuki's lap slowly.

"Shizuru, wait," Natsuki suppressed a grunt and held Shizuru's hips. As much as she loved what Shizuru was doing, she was more concerned about her being comfortable.

"Let's not move. Just lean back and open your legs," Natsuki instructed. The honey haired woman leaned back and propped her hands on Natsuki's shins. She parted her legs while she did so, giving Natsuki an unobstructed view of Shizuru's glistening pussy wrapped tight around her length. She hummed in pleasure.

"Like this, baby?" Shizuru asked, also looking down at where they deliciously connected. The lipstick at the base of Natsuki's cock still remained. She felt herself growing wet with the thick member inside.

"Yeah, stay like that. Then touch yourself. I want to see how you make yourself come." Natsuki whispered it like a secret.

"I never knew you could be this kinky, Natsuki" Shizuru chuckled lowly, genuinely surprised at Natsuki's boldness; even from the very start, she was usually the more forward one while Natsuki mostly followed her lead. But by no means was she complaining. Natsuki had come up with an interesting compromise despite her being sore down there.

"You did ask what I wanted. I also don't want to hurt you" Natsuki replied while stroking Shizuru's thighs. It was the latter's cue to begin.

So she reached down and started stroking her nether lips which were currently split apart by Natsuki's hardness. She gave occasional flicks at her clit, already peaked and sticking out, and she whimpered every time she made contact. She couldn't help bouncing her hips a bit, letting Natsuki's cock hit her G-spot inside.

She parted her legs wider. She was getting close, a hot flush spread across her chest and neck as she panted. She continued to flick at her hardened clit, reveling the way she clenched around Natsuki every time she did. She drew tight circles with her fingers as her jaw hung open in pleasure, staring at the way their arousals were linked. Natsuki was moaning along with her, both of their noises chorusing through Natsuki's room.

"That's it, Shizuru. Unh, you look so hot." Natsuki groaned as she felt Shizuru contract around her once more. She fought the impulse to thrust and tried to maintain her focus on the sight of Shizuru getting herself off while the ballerina sat on her arousal. The rhythmic contractions around her member slowly built up the tight feeling inside her belly.

"Mmm, Natsuki…" She gave more pressure to the circles around her clit as the heat in her abdomen coiled tighter and tighter. The base of Natsuki's hardness was slick with her fluids.

Shizuru picked up the pace and stroked herself faster, pressing two fingers on her clit as she bounced on Natsuki's cock, a long moan stretching out as she came hard. Her pussy wrapped tight around the member, making Natsuki groan loudly as she came as well, spilling her fluids while still inside.

Natsuki gave a few grunts and couldn't help the little jerk in her hips every time she shot a load. Shizuru had collapsed on top of her in an exhausted heap.

"Oh my god. That was…" Shizuru trailed off still panting against Natsuki's collarbone.

"You are so good..." Natsuki muttered against Shizuru's skin as she peppered little kisses on the dancer's sweaty face. "And you bet, you got your wish. I can never forget this, but I think I just forgot my own name." Natsuki closed her eyes contentedly; blissfully blank, just happy that Shizuru wanted her just as she did her.

Shizuru let out a tired laugh. She didn't want to get up yet, didn't want Natsuki slipping out of her. She wanted to stay like this a bit longer, slick with sweat with limbs numb at their exertion and their bodies as close as possible.

Without looking up to meet Natsuki's eyes, she said, "You're going to be thinking about me all night."

Whether it was more for Natsuki or herself, only Shizuru knew the truth to that.

\----

There was only one thing that Shizuru had in common with me and the other dancers: a dedicated love for the ballet.

The rest of her was sequestered somewhere deep inside her, like a perpetually furled matryoshka doll with many hidden layers. She hid herself so well she fell gracefully into any character role as if dying to play a part other than herself. But those layers, however, gradually popped out and revealed themselves to me as the months passed by.

She was new at the company and took the place vacated by Ayumi who had retired to take care of her child. During the first few months all I knew about her was that she trained in Kyoto since childhood, danced en pointe at age twelve, performed as a junior dancer in her teens, and finally landed a spot here at the company in Tokyo as a soloist. It was quite a big deal; many of us were envious at the Osaka girl who was hired on the spot for the upcoming tour, but I welcomed her. She was aloof and averse to conversation which made the other dancers talk, thinking she was a snob like the rest of them. But I figured she was simply shy. She was.

After a proper introduction, a few times spent breaking in our pointe shoes together, and several days of sharing 15-minute breaks between rehearsals were quite enough to shut the other girls up. I was the principal dancer after all. I ought to receive some kind of respect.

Reito, the artistic director, loved her too, which at first only fanned the flames of envy. But eventually the sizzle died down when he gave her his signature critiques like he always did to the rest of us. Familiarity and a sense of equality in this high pressure environment was all that was needed for Shizuru to finally hit her stride with the entire company.

After eight months with the company, there finally came a time where she would accept invitations to go out with some of the girls. We soon found out that she was just as neurotic as the next dancer.

Still, no one else could see her tears but me, Mai Tokiha, ever the voice of reason.

Sometimes I thought it was partly my fault for bringing them together, knowing both of them had deeply mired issues with trust. Sometimes I blamed Shizuru for the way she bottled up her feelings, and sometimes I would give Natsuki all the flak for not being completely honest. Though I suppose I shouldn't oversimplify either of their personal issues. My view on the matter of their fall out was that they were both being big babies. Big, whiny, stubborn babies.

Take Shizuru, for example. As far as I knew, there was no one else closer to her than I was until Natsuki came. Naturally I was the one who heard her out when she'd speak about her doubts and issues about their relationship, but soon I realized that I was the wrong person to hear it. It should have been Natsuki herself, the core of all of Shizuru's misgivings. Wouldn't it have been better if Natsuki knew what she was doing wrong and heard it from Shizuru herself? But true to her nature my fellow dancer continued to feign, acting like everything was going great when Natsuki was around.

Natsuki, on the other hand, was afraid of her. Seeing Shizuru's private soul she never dared to ask her what lay deep beneath that beautiful surface of calm and repose;never dared to stir things up with troubling questions when the little paradise they both created for themselves was perfect as it was. It didn't help either that she was just as busy with her career as Shizuru was, leaving them no time other than for sleepovers and stolen dates. I never got to hear Natsuki's side of things, but from the looks of it, she had some extra baggage that she failed to let Shizuru know upfront.

That's when it all turned to shit, as Shizuru put it. It just had to be an ex-girlfriend who'd ruin it. Although I really don't blame the girl, actually she probably has no idea what's going on; but her hypothetical presence was what made Shizuru crack. It was then that I saw how possessive and jealous she could be and how she tried, but failed, to give Natsuki her complete trust.

Striving hard through the grueling world of ballet was drama enough for me, but Shizuru added a new dimension to it. Before her, I never had a close friend in the company. I knew how competitive we all were so I kept to a safe distance. Shizuru was different. She didn't compete. She was simply brilliant. But as she has shown me, everything came with a price.

Her isolation rivaled that of sakoku-era Japan. Pain, struggle, heartache, she took it all in, but almost nothing came back out. Until she found destructive liberation in alcohol.

Now I don't want to rat her out. I won't betray the fragile trust she's slowly built with me, but let me just say that for all the control and poise she maintained, she became an irrational mess when she was drunk.

It wasn't pretty.

"Shizuru, if you want to die in there, I'd like to kill you myself." I yelled through the door of our hotel room—we always shared when on tour and we were then in Moscow-which currently locked me out of whatever was happening in there. She had the lone keycard. I'd been knocking plaintively for her to let me in for a good fifteen minutes and now I was just annoyed at how stubborn she was.

She probably sensed my irritation and finally unlocked the door. I turned the knob and swung it open to find her still in the short blue tube dress she wore at the hotel bar. She held a pair of scissors, looking like crap with smudged mascara.

"What the hell is going on with you?" I said exasperated as I snatched the scissors away, still battling with my shock from the sight of her undone. "Did you cut yourself?"

"No." She rolled her eyes at me and left me there. She was a pain in the ass like that sometimes.

She returned to her previous activity, apparently breaking in and sewing a new pair of shoes. Why she was doing that was beyond me, as we already wrapped up the entire Russian tour, hence the celebration at the roof deck. She sat on the carpet with a leg tucked beneath her, looking up at me with tear-rimmed eyes.

"My scissors? Or are you going to stab me with them because frankly I'd welcome that. Put it right here," she pointed at the base of her throat with conviction.

"No, I think I'd like to cut off all your hair instead. Would you welcome that?" I retorted as I took a spot on the floor beside her.

Shizuru looked mortified and shook her head. "I'd like to die pretty. It would fill Natsuki with regret." She took the scissors back and began to scratch the soles of the shoes with it. I dug my heels against my eyeballs.

" Okay, before I ask you about that, do you have a performance tomorrow that I don't know about?" I pointed at the shoes. "Because honey, you're not going to dance well with a hangover."

She dropped the shoe and sighed.

"I don't know what to do. I think I just made the biggest mistake of my life." She muttered quietly, but with every word her voice rose up to a pitch.

Then I noticed Shizuru's phone—sim tray left open and sitting beneath a table, most likely flung there by Shizuru's hand.

"Were you on the phone with Natsuki?" I ventured.

"I told her it was over. I told her I never wanted to see her again." Shizuru said, lips already quivering.

Back then, it was a shock to me. I never saw that coming; they were inseparable, practically joined at the lips wherever they went. I blinked at her in disbelief.

"But why would you say that?" I was shaking my head. "You were all lovey-dovey on the phone earlier at the roof deck!"

"She said she was with her ex, Mai." She choked back a sob. "I just couldn't stand it. I tried to not to care, because fuck it, I'm just her fuck buddy. Just another one of her begging sluts."

"Whoa, whoa there." I gaped, surprised at her language, but more at the way she described their relationship.

"Shizuru, I am not going to believe that you two were just sex buddies alright? Where is this crap coming from for god's sake?"

"it's not crap. It's the truth. It was nothing but sex all the time and I had no idea she was still spending time with her ex. Fine, we were never official but don't I deserve to know that I'm not the only one? Didn't I deserve to know that it wasn't just me sucking on her cock? My god!" Shizuru spat vehemently with another jab at her pointe shoes.

I cussed under my breath. I was never going to get used to this Shizuru who spewed such colorful language. But I still wasn't convinced.

"How sure are you that Natsuki's… that she's having sex with her ex?"

At that point Shizuru was just sobbing, a quiet, pained cry that stabbed at my heart.

"Oh, honey…" I tried to embrace her, but she put her palms up to halt me.

"I may be drunk, but I'm still in control," she explained. All I could see was mussed up hair, leaking mascara and two very wrongly prepared pointe shoes that would have to be thrown away.

"You're right about the first part." I pointed out, stroking her hair to try and soothe her. She let me.

"Mai, pour me a drink. Be a friend."

I shook my head. "That's not a good idea."

"Just let me drown out my pain, please," she begged uncharacteristically. "Have a drink with me, please Mai"

I grumbled. How ended up being friends with a drama queen could be attributed to my career environment—a choice I was starting to re-think—but I got up to peruse our mini fridge and found ice for the bottle of champagne on the nightstand, which was much, much better than Russian vodka. That was a hangover already waiting to happen.

"One drink, that's all I'm having. The vodka we had at the bar is starting to claw up my insides," I rubbed my belly. It did start to ache. Our diets made us supreme lightweights.

"Thank you Mai." Shizuru smiled at me but the corners of her mouth never reached her eyes.

"You're free to wash that mascara off. You look terrible." I remarked as I sat back down with the champagne and two flutes.

"Or," Shizuru wobbly held up a finger "I could stay like this and hate myself in the morning. That way I'll think twice about doing this again." She rubbed her temples.

"Fine, be weird. But you look scary when you cry looking like that." I poured the bubbly liquid for both of us.

"Answer my question, though."

Shizuru took her glass and tipped it all the way down. She finished with a grimace.

"I don't know for sure."

"Well, isn't that a surprise." I said dryly, sipping from my own glass. "You know, you should try talking to Natsuki without letting your emotions take over. They make you irrational more than you normally are."

Shizuru said nothing and looked away as if I'd pointed out a truth that she didn't want to admit.

"You could also try talking to her sober." I added cheekily.

"I wasn't sure what we are…what we were. All I knew was we had a great time. You know I had thoughts about wanting to ask her but I just didn't want to make it sound so…confining. We were happy because we were free from any labels. But I longed for that too. I felt like it was too early to even talk about committing."

"Okay, I understand all that, but what's bugging me is why you overreacted to her spending time with her ex to the point that you broke it off with her. You could have asked her about the nature of their relationship."

Shizuru leaned her head back against the bed and groaned.

"Oh if only it was that easy, Mai. I hate to sound so needy for assurance. I just can't bring myself to ask, 'oh are you two fucking as well?' No. I don't even ask where she goes when she's not with me, and she doesn't bother to ask if I ever went home with anyone from a night of clubbing. We never talk about stupid emotional bullshit like that. It didn't work that way."

It was all news to me the part about never checking in on each other. I knew Shizuru worried when Natsuki failed to call or when she busy with work and had no time for Shizuru. But I thought it was just a lack of time that was at issue. It turned out to be a communication problem bigger than a simple phone call unreturned.

"Then how does it work? Tell me, because I have never been in a relationship with no stimulating conversation to hold it all together. You know I love to talk."

"And you know that I don't." Shizuru replied. "I got through life dancing, Mai, just like you did. There is no other perfect expression than what I can do with my body." She said wistfully. "That's how I showed her. I made her come so hard."

I coughed into my flute. "Too much information. "

"I swear I gave her the best lay she's ever had. I made it good…that was the only way I could feel safe telling her."

Because like I said, Shizuru was like a matryoshka doll. She let Natsuki see just one side of her-the sexual vixen side-without revealing what lay hidden underneath the sex: deep affections, attachment, and maybe love.

"Do you really believe that she screwed her ex?"

"I don't." Shizuru confessed bitterly. "But it's not impossible."

"You should have asked. It's not a weak gesture. What's weak with demanding for the truth?" I insisted.

"I wish I had your cool logic, Mai," Shizuru smiled wanly and her eyes had a faraway look. She must have been reminiscing, because in a few moments she started crying.

Her face was flushed and shining with tears as she clutched at her head. Sobs erupted from her throat and I put my glass down to embrace her. It only made her cry even more. She pulled away, still weeping.

"Try not to hug me when I'm crying," Shizuru suppressed a hiccup as she spoke. "Or I won't stop wailing."

"Okay."

Shizuru sniffled. "It kills me. The thought of her being with someone else. I can't stomach it, Mai. It drives me insane."

"I don't think she would sleep with someone else if she knew what your real deal was. She's just as scared as you are. Hey, stop crying..." I chided as I stroked her back. "So let's pretend that we found out for sure that your baby love really didn't sleep with anyone else. What are you gonna do?"

"I don't know. I don't know." Shizuru contemplated uncertainly. "I see myself on my knees in front of her, begging. But I also feel like shooting myself in the head."

"What if she's in love with you?"

Shizuru paused, raised her eyes to mine and said quietly, "Then she should have told me. She should have said something."

"Oh, like the way you never told her that you needed her?" I quipped. "Natsuki is a sweet soul. She would do anything for a special person, like you, in her life. But you have to give it to get it, Shizuru"

Shizuru remained silent as fresh tears fell down her face. She brought the entire bottle to her lips and chugged down the champagne.

"I broke my sim card in two."

"Oh bother…"

Shizuru finished the entire bottle by herself that night and slept until noon, didn't get up until dinner time and immediately went back to bed with the TV on. It was a rest day, one we sorely needed before we headed out to Belgium the next day for the last leg of our European tour—another two weeks before we could go back home. I invited Jenny, Rosa, and Aiko and a few others to join us in the room to force Shizuru to talk, and she did, even if it was out of social compulsion. She hadn't said a word all day except when she borrowed my phone to call her dad. Her own phone was still under the table, unmoved.

I deleted a text message before I gave her my phone.

"Mai. Take care of her for me. –NK"

We were a long way from home. But when we get there we'll know what's really meant to happen.

\------

I've been over to your place only two times since we both decided to end things between us. They weren't anything spectacular, but hell, did I realize a shitton from those visits.

Like for instance, I curse you for still being an insensitive prick.

Like did you really have to point out that you remember a favorite drink of mine and offer it to me as your attempt to cheer me up? You had to give me that look-so adorably smug at the fact that you still recall some personal thing about me. Goddamn you. I was pissed off from work that day and you said you bought the drink at the store sometimes just in case I'd come over. And I wasn't so pissed anymore. That day I was thanking the heavens above that you only had three bottles of the thing. Of course being my favorite it had to be alcoholic. One more and I probably would have grabbed your collar to wipe that smirk off your face—using my mouth.

Or on my second visit after my Monday shift at the hospital, I brought you medicine for your stomach. You said you dined at this fancy restaurant and their clams upset your tummy. I was about to make a snide remark at how you ended up in a place like that when I realized you might have been there with a woman. If there was such woman, I surmised it should be her tending to you and not me. But no, being the bonehead that you are, you called me and said you needed 'the best nurse you knew' to make your little boo-boo go away. Why couldn't you just go to a pharmacy? You had to torture me this way. And damn it, how could I refuse when you said I was the best? I had to sock you in the arm for that. Stupid mutt.

Because that's what you always do. You kill with kindness, the kind of weapon I'm not used to, the kind I'm vulnerable to. It's exactly the sort of thing that made me like you more than I should have in the first place. Maybe I still do. Between the urge to strangle you and the urge to kiss you, it's the latter that I'm having trouble with as I watch you tinker with my car under the hood.

With your back to me, I take the chance to devour your form with my eyes. Your jacket was stripped off and you were down to dark jeans that hung low on your hips and a blue tank top that clung to your torso. There was a light sheen of sweat on your shoulder blades as the muscles there stretched and contracted as you worked. I resisted the impulse to wipe you dry, make you more comfortable, maybe drop a kiss there where your skin showed.

I know I want you, Natsuki. I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with love, though maybe I did love you when we were still together. But it was always lust between the two of us even then. The problem is that you haven't become less desirable for me. Not one bit. When you brushed your hair away from your face, you accidentally smeared grease on your forehead. My traitorous brain replayed an old fantasy involving grease, sweat, and the backseat of my car. Such little gestures ignited all sorts of dirty thoughts in me as I watched your expert hands at work.

And so I'm back to feeling pissed off again, this time, at myself for calling you when my car broke down. I could have called a professional mechanic but you happened to be familiar with the squeaks and sputters of my old Honda… and maybe kinda I wanted to see you too.

Of course, you're still so clueless. While you're naturally an idiot when it comes to detecting other people's feelings for you, this time you were simply too blinded by your own feelings. From what I've deduced from the countless photographs I saw strewn all over your apartment, you were currently too wrapped up over some gorgeous ballerina to even have an inkling of what I still feel for you.

I heard this song on the radio once. It goes, "Fuck that new girl that you like so bad. She's not crazy like me, I bet you like that."

Yeah, lust is a bitch. How can I continue to want someone so much knowing the person wants someone else? Is with someone else?

Maybe it's my sense of competition. I love a good challenge. After all, it all started with a little wager between Akane and I that quickly turned serious when she realized I was putting on more effort than was expected to get the kind of attention I wanted from you. It really was just for fun—a race on who could first get Natsuki to notice one's romantic potential. Akane had a little crush on you then and you probably sensed it because I teased her all the time, especially when you were around. Before you could even have the slightest clue what was going on, she suddenly backed out of the bet. Oh, she knew how I felt all right. It was written all over her honest face and how she immediately started seeing Kazuya.

She still knows about my whole situation, too. But you? I could drop to my knees in front of you right now and you'd probably think I wanted to help you fix my car.

"Hey Nao?"

My face is as impassive as ever, as if I didn't just think about blowing you right here in the parking lot.

"Yeah? Are you finally done?"

You shot me an incredulous but amused look at my ungrateful tone. Oh, Natsuki. Your reactions are priceless and adorable. I think my heart just fluttered a little.

Fuck you for that.

"Yeah, you can try starting it now," you said as you wiped the grease off your hands with a handkerchief. I still remember how those hands felt all over my body long ago. They could be rough and firm but they could also be gentle and loving whenever I wanted to be touched that way. I let my mind drift in nostalgia through heated memories of you and me as I got behind the wheel and started the engine. It revved to life without choking. My car was back in shape now, thanks to those hands of yours.

If I was a car, I'd let you fix me. Drive me. Ride me.

You slam the hood back down on my car, gave a thumbs up and a smile. To my own surprise I grin back, though I pressed down on the gas just to startle you. "Hey!" You exclaim. You back away from the car and half-heartedly frown at me.

Then you did something incredibly insensitive.

You knocked your fingers on my window, so I rolled it down. When I did, you leaned in close and propped your arm on the edge—looking exactly like you did when you asked me on a date, our first one. Oh for fuck's sake—

"So, don't I get a reward for two hours of hard labor?" You whine with a gentle kick at my car, probably still annoyed by my little prank earlier. Your lips are upturned in a pout that I want to knock off with I don't know…maybe my fist or my lips, or both.

"I got you a beer," I shrug, hoping I could just go home so I wouldn't have to fight these little internal battles with my urges which you are causing. If you ask for food like I'm sensing you would, I'd have to come up with a quick alibi—I have to get out of your presence like right now especially as you poke your head in a bit to reach across my dashboard for a cigarette…and there goes my heart rate. I swat your hand away. Ha, I do remember you liking it when I slapped you around a little when we—okay, forget it. This is getting out of hand!

"That was an hour ago!" You said as you retract your hand and your head from the car.

"Not even a cig? Thanks a lot, scrooge."

"You don't smoke and those are my mom's you idiot," I frowned. "Speaking of my mom…"

"Oh, sorry Nao, I totally forgot. Your mom must need you right now, huh?"

You immediately switch to serious mode. You always did that at the slightest mention of my mom like she was some fragile object you didn't want to desecrate. You've never met, thus my amazement at your concern for my ailing yet stubborn mom who still smokes a pack a day despite her health.

Killing with kindness again, you little shit.

"Yeah, she's waiting for me at the hospital. She can't stand that place 'cause they don't let her smoke."

My mom is actually at mahjong with her buddies right about now.

You chuckle and nod, "Alright, better go before she runs out of air." You scratch the back of your head and stared a bit at me. Oh shit, what now? Why are you looking like that?

"Oh, right" you say after a moment. "My jacket?"

Shit, and I was expecting some kind of confession. Like perhaps you'd notice how I totally have a fit bod after months in the gym. Guess I can dream on.

I reach the aforementioned clothing from the passenger seat. As I passed it to you, a waft of your scent fills my nostrils, and another wave of nostalgia slams through me.

I need to ditch like right now.

"Thanks."

"No, thank you, Natsuki." I address you properly for the first time today which earned me a lopsided grin, that Natsuki grin that any person would have to be cold-hearted to resist—and we're talking about me right here. This is Nao "I don't give a fuck" Yuuki talking.

"Any time, Nao. You can count on me."

Yeah, dependable as always. Why can't you be a jerk to me? Don't I deserve that for what I did to you? Shouldn't you be giving me the cold shoulder after that, show me what a fool I've been? It seems I was cast with a harsher fate… karma dangling you over my head for me to salivate over like those souls punished in purgatory in Dante's epic.

"I owe you one," I say to you before I wave and drive away, not wanting to waste any more time. I watched you from the rearview mirror getting on your bike. A sigh slipped through my lips as I did a reality check: you are obviously off the market right now but at the same time you aren't flaunting your new girl around. Though that might only be because you respect our shared history so you're not rubbing it on my face that you've already moved on. But at the same time you're still so damnably nice and dependable and so sexy all in one package, could you really blame me for wondering if I should have proposed break-up sex back then…?

So that's it! All I really wanted was one last taste all along. It's not love, thank God. If it was, I'd rather shoot myself. I will not be that kind of ex-girlfriend. Now that I've come to this belated realization, I can finally move the fuck on.

I still think you're hot though, and such a good friend I might add. I'm kind of sorry I'm so mean to you sometimes, although I know it's really just the sexual tension.

My phone beeped on the dashboard, its screen glowing to reveal a text from this guy I was sort of dating.

Suddenly a crazy idea popped into my head. I did owe you one, didn't I?

Guess I should pay up.

\------

I like NaoNat too. Don't be mad.


End file.
